


swore that it felt right, but was i wrong?

by GallifreyanFairytale



Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Gay Big Red (HSM: The Series), Gen, Lesbian Gina Porter, Post-Season/Series 01, Queer Ashlyn Caswell, ashlyn and red are gay you cannot convince me otherwise, gina is living with ashlyn bc i said so, platonic redlyn is the hill i will die on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:46:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22217251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallifreyanFairytale/pseuds/GallifreyanFairytale
Summary: Ashlyn was not feeling the way she was supposed to.She was supposed to get butterflies in her stomach and an effortless smile crossing her face and she wasn’t feeling either of those things. Red was nice, he was sweet, he was a good... whatever he was to her. And Ashlyn wanted to like him in the way she was supposed to, she really did, but she just... couldn’t.
Relationships: Ashlyn Caswell & Gina Porter, Big Red & Ashlyn Caswell, Big Red/Ricky Bowen (one-sided)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	swore that it felt right, but was i wrong?

**Author's Note:**

> lesbian ashlyn and gay big red have been my headcanons from the beginning and their friendship is wlw mlm solidarity and that is the hill i will die on xx
> 
> (title from "wondering" from hsmtmts)

Ashlyn was not feeling the way she was supposed to.

She was supposed to get butterflies in her stomach and an effortless smile crossing her face and she wasn’t feeling either of those things. Red was _nice_ , he was sweet, he was a good… whatever he was to her. And Ashlyn _wanted_ to like him in the way she was supposed to, she really did, but she just… couldn’t.

She and Red had been dancing around each other for a week now, ever since opening night. They’d fired compliments back and forth, sort of _maybe_ flirting with each other, and Ashlyn was trying to get herself to fall for Red harder than she’d tried anything before in her life, but nothing she did had worked. They’d held hands in the hallway, they’d sat at the same lunch table, hell they’d _kissed_ on more than one occasion. But Ashlyn still hardly registered that she was supposed to feel more than just friendly feelings towards Red.

“Have you ever had a crush on someone?” Ashlyn asked Gina late one night after they’d just finished watching _Cinderella_ for no reason other than they could.

Gina nodded.

“What did it feel like?”

Gina gave Ashlyn a weird look. “Aren’t you and Red, like, a thing?” When Ashlyn neglected to respond, Gina answered the question. “Well, my eyes are always drawn to them when we’re in a room together, no matter how many other people are there. I always look for them in a crowd even if I know they won’t be there. My hands get all sweaty around them, and I’d do things I normally wouldn’t - like go to a party with a bunch of people I don’t really know - just to see them. I think about them without meaning to, way too much. Lots of little things remind me of them. When I think about going to prom next year, I know I want to be dancing with them, no matter how illogical that is.”

Ashlyn pursed her lips. She tried to avoid looking at Red because she didn’t want the awkward eye contact. When she was somewhere she knew Red wouldn’t be, she was almost relieved because she wouldn’t have to pretend to have feelings she wasn’t sure she did. And she definitely wouldn’t step out of her comfort zone for him.

“You alright?” Gina asked.

“Gina, I don’t think I like Red the way he wants me to. Or, the way everyone thinks I do. I-- I don’t think I’ve liked anyone like that.”

Gina turned her body so she was fully facing Ashlyn. “That’s fine, Ash. Some people don’t get crushes until later on in life, or even at all. You don’t have to force yourself to like Red just ‘cause he got you some flowers.”

“It was more than ‘some’,” Ashlyn muttered. Not that that was important, she supposed. Gina’s point stood either way. “I just… all throughout elementary and middle school when my friends would ask who I had a crush on, I’d just pick the most tolerable boy in the grade. I thought that’s what everyone did. But I think I’m doing that with Red again now, and he doesn’t deserve that. He deserves someone who isn’t… wishing for something different.”

“Something different?” Gina questioned.

Ashlyn sighed and put her head in her hands. “I don’t know. Every time I’m with Red, I keep thinking that it’ll be so much nicer someday when I’m with the person I’m meant to be with. My Prince Charming or my knight in shining armor or whatever. ...Meaning I don’t really think Red and I are ever gonna last. So what’s the point? Do I fight to see if maybe it actually _is_ meant to be, or do I just let it go now before it hurts both of us a lot more later?”

Gina was quiet for several moments before she spoke. “I can’t tell you what to do, but I don’t think you should lead him on. I know you don’t want to hurt him, but leading him on will just hurt both of you more than telling him the truth now will.”

Ashlyn nodded slowly. Gina moved closer to her and pulled her into a hug. “Feelings are difficult, okay? So don’t feel bad for being confused about them.”

“Thanks,” Ashlyn murmured into Gina’s shoulder. She thought about what Gina had said about having a crush. The closest Ashlyn had ever come to that was freshman year with one of the girls in the ensemble of the spring musical. She was a sophomore and she was basically the prettiest girl Ashlyn had ever seen. But she’d moved over the summer, and Ashlyn hadn’t really spoken to her much since. They’d had a few text conversations, but they’d both moved on with their lives.

Ashlyn pulled back from the hug suddenly, eyes wide. “Gina?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I like girls more than I like boys.”

Gina blinked, seemingly taken aback by Ashlyn’s sudden confession. “Is that why you don’t like Big Red?”

“I don’t _not_ like him,” Ashlyn said, twisting her shirt in her hands. “But there was this girl in the ensemble last year who I think I _really_ liked, and she’s kind of the only one I’ve ever felt that way about. I think… I think, maybe if I gave it a chance, I _could_ really like Red, but I think that if we were together, I’d just be thinking about how I… I want to date a girl someday.” The words coming out of Ashlyn’s mouth surprised her a bit, but she knew they were true. “I guess I might end up with a boyfriend, but… I really want to date a girl. And Red isn’t making that feeling go away, like I thought he would. If I’m going to date a boy, it’s going to be someone who erases the feeling that I’m missing out on something by not getting to date a girl, because that’s how I’ll know it’s real.”

Gina smiled softly. She reached out and took Ashlyn’s hand in hers, squeezing it for reassurance. “I know you’ll find the perfect girl - or guy - someday, Ashlyn. Don’t feel bad for trying to project feelings onto Red that aren’t really there; I’ve done the same thing.” Gina shrugged. “I wasn’t really planning on coming out to anyone at East High because it went so badly at my last school, but I guess I know I can trust you. I’m a lesbian.”

It was Ashlyn’s turn to initiate the hug this time. “Your secret’s safe with me,” she promised. “I’m glad you can trust me.”

“I’m glad you trusted me,” Gina replied. She broke the hug, but kept her hands on Ashlyn’s shoulders. “Are you gonna be okay? Coming out to yourself is the hardest part.”

“I don’t know,” Ashlyn said honestly. “I am now, but tomorrow?” she let out a nervous laugh. “Who knows.”

“Well. I am here _whenever_ you need me. C’mere.” Gina pulled Ashlyn into yet another hug. Ashlyn didn’t know what was going to happen tomorrow, or when she had to talk to Red, or all the days after that, but she did know that she would at least have Gina by her side.

\---

On Monday, Ashlyn texted Red to meet her outside the bomb shelter after school. They didn’t have any classes together, and Red had said Mr. Mazzara wanted him for something during lunch, so after school was the first chance Ashlyn would have to talk to him.

Ashlyn was sure she was visibly shaking by the time Red showed up. She tried to still her hands by folding them together, but it wasn’t working too well.

“You okay?” Red asked.

“I can’t keep doing this,” Ashlyn blurted out.

Red gave her a confused look. “What?”

“This, us, whatever we’re doing,” Ashlyn gestured between her and Red, “I can’t keep doing it. I-- you’re a great guy, Red, seriously. But I--” Ashlyn had done a lot of thinking and she still hadn’t settled on a label for how she felt, so that was making the whole _coming out_ thing difficult. “I don’t feel the way I thought I did about you. I wanted to, I really did, because you’re such a nice person! But I just…” Ashlyn lowered her voice to almost a whisper, “I keep thinking about how much nicer this whole _almost dating_ thing would be if,” Ashlyn looked down, her voice barely audible at this point, “if it were with a girl.”

When Red didn’t respond, Ashlyn glanced up at him. “Sorry,” she whispered.

Red shook his head. “You don’t-- you don’t have to apologize. And, uh, for the record,” Red rocked backwards and clasped his hands behind his back, “I don’t feel the way I thought I did about you either. I think I was just trying to cover up the fact that I have feelings for someone else.”

Ashlyn had not been expecting that. “Oh?”

“A boy.”

“Oh! So, we…?”

Red smiled. “I guess gays really do flock together.”

Ashlyn laughed a bit, and before she knew it, she and Red were collapsing against each other in fits of giggles. Maybe it was the stress of the whole situation being lifted from their shoulders, or the fact that Ashlyn now had two people she knew she could freely be herself around, but she couldn’t stop the laughter.

When the two were finally able to contain themselves and stand upright without support, Ashlyn realized that there was still one question eating at her. “If you don’t mind me asking, who’s the boy you have a crush on?”

Red went silent, and the color drained from his face.

“You don’t have to tell me!” Ashlyn assured him. “I was just wondering.”

Red shrugged. “I guess someone might as well know, since I’ll never tell him.” He sighed. “It’s Ricky. It always has been.”

Red’s defeated tone made Ashlyn’s chest ache. “I’m sorry.” She lurched forward and wrapped her arms around Red. “I know those words don’t ever sound sincere, but I really am.”

Red was slow to respond to the hug. “Thanks, Ash,” he mumbled. “You’re a really good friend.”

Ashlyn felt herself smile at Red calling her a friend. _That_ felt right. That felt more right than any other interaction she and Red had had before.

Maybe Ashlyn wasn’t feeling the way she was “supposed” to, but maybe that was actually okay.


End file.
